hello

Yes.

I thought it was about time to say hello.

Hello.

We didn't speak for a while. Believe me, I didn't forget. It is hard to forget. But remembering often does me in. 

I am well. In the reference system you are used to, I am more than good. Compared to the people-space we shared, I am amazing. From the seat of embodied expectations..let's just not talk about it for the time being. 

I am far away, but the inside-me still needs time to catch up. It will, eventually. The tent I used to carry on my back and which almost turned me into a hunchback turned into a cloak. It is hanged by the side of my bed. I carefully put it on whenever time comes to travel. But, in the meantime, I stay.

It was strange in the beginning, but I think I am slowly getting used to it now. I lie, yes. But I do think labour pains of root- growing are about to pass. I see stuff in the new light.

I speak too vague, yes. Ok.

I have four jobs and one full time doctorate. I know how to make amazing raspberry merengue and up to 17 other meals without using a recipe. I live with a good friend in two bed room one red sofa apartment in the centre of Bristol. We watch movies on projector almost every night. I still spend more money on books than on clothes. It took me 3 days to finish first two books of 1Q84 and I ordered a 3rd on Amazon. It is due to arrive next Wednesday.

     

The weather is crap. I didn't feel summer for a few years now. But I visited Morocco last June and tried to make up for it in 45 degrees Celsius. Didn't really work. But I danced in the desert and rode a camel without fear.

Fear, yes. Guess that's what is different. It melted, through the days of non-summer and people from distant places. Friday nights behind the bar, Sundays in the office and cuddling with lovers I chose made it disappear. When I was in Belgrade last time a friend commented on how I lost it. It is weird to live without it, to be able to sleep through the night and not to have panic attacks. Labor pains, again. 

  

Anyway: Hello.

 I know my English is not perfect

but I found some good proof readers for the official documents

it works for me.

English is perfect to hide behind it

though

And explain, without having to feel

The words of our native languages are engraved in our endocrinology, as well. Not just neural networks. I learned that, too. Ever thought about it? Try it once, when you have time.

Or two. 

I will keep updating this letter.

Now it is late and I need to go.

To dissolve in the different world

yes

and shape some other stories

this story was same too many too many days

that's why I stopped by

to poke you in the back

with 

Hello.

damn i like the way you move

body is a tricky thing
and the words catch only a glimpse of it
the numbers as well, yes.
anything paper or screen can capture
it is never the whole flow

no.

i write because you will never see me

dance in the darkness

i would never let you see me 

it is mine private personal special and unique

it is body talking

and behaving

in the not-quite-translatable medium

of place space and time

(usually one digit

always a.m.)

body is a tricky thing

to understand without movement

but also: to grasp without audience

is it not?

yes yes i hear you

anatomy and physiology and endocrinology and the rest of 

all-ogies

[heh, technologies]

you can study it

but only among the other bodies

it gets the power

the drive

the purpose, if you like it

and, the most importantly

the meaning.

i never knew how different i look

until i met my sisters

who looked like nothing

i saw before

i met  the first lot when i was 20

and the rest when i was 28

my tricky thing

plays its tricks on me

like a magician

and it never reveals all of them

and it always picks its audience carefully

and it always leaves the trace of wonder

when it retreats to sleep

and lets the mind take over

like a river to the ocean

samo na cas.

unsayable is

what lingers between the layers

unwilling to bind

to rational request

in the darkness

between the thoughts

the woman reads the book

page by page

whole afternoon

the man builds the wall

brick by brick

at the same time

in the silence

between the words

the voices echo

through the towns and cities

the music penetrates

the corners of the room

in the looks

between the glances

the castles of the air

grow roots in tones

the anchors float

among the waves

of the flood.

it will come

it has happened

consequences

I could be
anything you want to be
I could stay awake
just to see you sleeping
hear you ...well...snoring

sorry 

never said I won't be harsh

I am harsh to myself even

and you know how much that costed me

[a lover

a friend

and  some time of my life]

I could be anything

you want me to be

I stay awake

and i hear you snoring

and while the night weaves this story

with me, suited up

and wearing power bun on a friday night

with you, googled out on defenses

and with a pint of guinness in your hand

miles away and only a glance apart

I am everything

you want me to be

the audience:

a man with a pint

in his hand

[yes

i  am aware of

consequences]

no

i do not buy into them.

<.......>

There is heard a hymn when the panes are dim, 
And never before or again, 
When the nights are strong with a darkness long, 
And the dark is alive with rain.

"That's why she should do it"-

the mother says

"She has the  feel of it

in a way none of us two does".

they talk while the winds

boom and bang

at the inn's window.

there are 8 tables in the inn

eight tables, a stair by the door

and an open bar.

if you get here, paying for your drinks

is the least of the worries.

the innkeeper learned that centuries ago

or was it yesterday?

does not matter, really.

it has been decided.

The woman in the white coat

responds:

"But she is emotional

insecure

and dissolves into so many worlds

when you touch her edges."

"That's why  you had to lead her here

so many and more times.

Without you, she would never find her way"-

mother leans over and hugs the woman in the white coat:

"thank you" -she says.

Never we know but in sleet and in snow, 
The place where the great fires are, 
That the midst of the earth is a raging mirth 
And the heart of the earth a star. 

and continues:

"It could not be any other way, dear.

We ran out of objective reality some time ago now.

Big words could not keep her restrained any longer

And she learned how to multiply regression

so well that she broke to the other side

creating me, among the others

who are yet to   fill the tables of this place"

the woman in the white coat turns around:

"but the tables are empty"

"she  does not let them in yet."

the door of the inn is closed

the fire keeps burning

the winds keep booming and banging

"we are not ready for this"

the woman in the white coat whispers

"she is, and that is all that matters

for she is the one who makes shapes of it all."

"shapes? better say   ideas

stories

dreams

so well dissolved in the Everyday"

"This is not Everyday, and you know it, pumpkin.

This is the  only place where you can see her wings

and therefore, she can fly."

And at night we win to the ancient inn 
Where the child in the frost is furled, 
We follow the feet where all souls meet 
At the inn at the end of the world. 

It is cold here

fucking            freezing

and   they taaalk

they are warm they exist

The gods lie dead where the leaves lie red, 

i  need to open up

need to let some else ones

someone else that   is

everyone

else

relevant

for   thestory   in    innn

they are all here

they wait for air

they wait for breath

they wait for shape

they wait for they wait for

securesafecosy place

away from the storms

winds

and others

For the flame of the sun is flown, 

who keep on running

through my veins

who keep on pulsating 

in my very (merry) core

the hearth of the earth is a star

The gods lie cold where the leaves lie gold,

please listen

please come

please do not hurt me

for if you will

if you dare

i will call

mother again i will create her to punch you in your perfect teeth

and  the one with a power bun

will help she will i know

yesplease

come please do come in

you will freeze outthere

you will.

come in:

 
And a Child comes forth alone. 

----

reference:

"A Child of the Snows"- poem by GK Chesterton

crossing the borderlands

distant dreaming.

I wish wish wish

the shoulder I could hide under
the hug I could cry my eyes out in

and no one would ever notice
and he would take care of me

its stupid, I know
but I do need it
and it is not here.