sweet the sting

wee boy

what have you done, wee boy?

in all of your

adult-ness

you did not know how to play this game did you now

wee boy

well

i should have been warned.

i should have seen it

wee boy

i should have sensed it

envisioned it

i should have been smarter and wiser and

bigger

wee boy.

fair enough: i wasn't.

when they came to take me away

wee boy

i thought of you

and i remembered the words

oh

the words 

"you inspire me

you are different

you stand out

i love your expressiveness."

i hear you

child

but you didn't see

what i brought on the table

and you didn't see

how clouds roll and thunders laugh

watching over us

watching

knowing

well: they have been around for a while.

when they came to take me away

wee boy

i trusted them it was for the best

i trusted: they are my guardians

and you will never ever know what happened.

but 

i had to

and i have to

believe it's for the best.

I miss you

wee one.

i miss you i think of you i pray for you

they do not, though

and they won't

forgive them: they think about me first

as they always will.

wee boy.

i think about me first

as well.

but you would not know that

not with your adultness.

ola, sun!

I do not why there are scripts and why there are stories and why some stories work for you and some make no sense. I do not know why you want what you want but take what are you given because it is the grown up choice and you end up convincing yourself you didn't want it to start with. I don't know what lies in heart of star I don't know what makes people allergic to kiwi but crazy about green in general. I don't know how many times you have to knock before someone answers and how many streets you have to walk before you reach the end of map. 

I don't know why so many educated people choose to live as if outside of body but still prefer smoked salmon instead of egg & mayo triangle sandwich. I do not know how come there is so many of us and all of us still feel lonely at times. I don't know why you feel struck by lightning when the skies are perfectly clear. I do not know what is exact definition of integrity. I do not know why some stuff makes perfect sense and why other stuff makes perfect sense as well but in the other group of people. I also don't know what will happen. 

Next:

I know people like stories. I know that people feel stories. I know what I want. I know how to make grownup choice. I convince myself I do not want, when I am in the heart of star. I know I like green in general but don't mind kiwi. I knocked four times, each time louder than the one before it. When no one answered, I walked the street to the end of the map and started dancing the new avenue. It smelled of ginger and cinnamon. The scales of dragon were its hard shoulder, warm but traitorous. And the storm wind blew hard. My hands moved in the rhythm of clouds forming. It was wild. But then again, I knocked four times, each time louder than the other. And no one noticed.

My body played a trick on me so I opted for smoked salmon on a bed of creme fraiche plus dill. I was alone but didn't feel lonely which was very new and exciting. Therefore: the fear dipped its bony fingers to the bottom of my very merry core. The storm brought the lightning, as storms do. So that part was ok. I found the inn at the end of the world again. And the child came forth alone.

--

In today's talk in Watershed, Jeanette Winterson said that when you feel you are breaking down, you can go to the closest mirror and start reading poetry while watching your face changes to something you feel comfortable with.  So I put Dresden Dolls on. 

3 

2 

1  

                                                                                                      Touch the wooden gate in the wall you never saw before

2204

call me ummm...call me New. yes. New. call me New and hold my hand. hear my thoughts. hear! hear! call me New and let me entertain you:

address me as Old. address me as Old and  trust me. i've been around for a while

and i know what i'm talking about.

don't forget you are not as young anymore you should listen to me

for i hold the experience.

call me New! i grew up from stories Old made the material for

Feck off.

i grew up from fragments of what you used to call magic

and all is good and everything changes

put the  make up on

make the up-ness

dance the waltz of rules

you won't like it but the cheque will come on  fridays 

three working days to be processed

but

and

you will be safe

yes! do it! 

but

and save room for the faeries

and wide eyed wandering spirits

while handing out drinks

"thank you sir, come back soon!"

while moping the floors

while sorting the mail

written according to certain

hehe

standards

you look plain silly doing that

just so you know.

just: so you know.

the poem.

A KOLIKO SI IMALA LJUBAVNIKA?


A koliko si imala ljubavnika? i gdje si sve s njima 
spavala? i što su ti govorili? i kako, kako je to bilo? Daj mi
mira,
čuješ, daj mi mira, fućkam ti na tvoje
fotografije spremljene u kutiju od cipela,
pisamca o vjernoj ljubavi sakrivena po manžetama i u
policama pod rubljem, prestani,
prestani, idi već, kao nesnosnu muhu
pratim očima tvoj lik po svim ku-
tovima, idi,
izleti kroz prozor, nek te odnese propuh, idi, nemam vremena,
moram se ispavati, idi, rasplini se,
rastopi se negdje u toj narančastoj lokvi pod svjetiljkom,
izgubi se među slovima ove glupe knjige što
je čitam,

idi, ne volim te, ništa neću, ništa te ne pitam,
to me ne zanima,

fućkam ti na tvoje adrese i telefonske brojeve, i si-
jed
i sijed ću te još voljeti, nozaimeisusovo
koliko,

koliko si ih imala?

JIRI ŠOTOLA

za dlaku

there are some really angry men in this world

really...angry

so angry that they will try that anger out

on the ones who cannot defend themselves

on the weak ones

such as yours truly.

there are some really great friends in this world

really....great.

so great that they will kick those men in the groins

on the account of those who cannot do themselves

on the account of the weak ones

such as yours truly

who was lucky

very lucky

a few days ago.

let me...entertain you

she took her clothes off
bit by bit

she took her jeans, size 12. the ones with big holes on the knees, which she will never mend.

she took the t-shirt which she bought 5 years ago on a ski trip to France. I was never in France. Shhh its good for the story. The green one.

she took the under-wear off as well. La Senza white bra and the Primany panties. They laid beneath her feet.

and carefully put the black socks in the laundry basket beneath the bed.

then she took off the earings- green ones, made for her with seventeen tons of love in a small workshop in Zagreb, once upon a long lost time.

and the medallion named after one of her favorite books: Ilium. Dan Simmons' one. the reason she bought and got disappointed in Flashback, a few weeks ago.

she never wore any other jewelry.

then she took the sense of a day off. it itched. it felt like a bikini wax. Brazilian you mean? Shhh. it bounced around the room and finally settled in the corner of the mirror.

then she put a nail in defense machinery. the fluffy one, made from what was left from her favorite childhood doll.

the body pulsated.

and she was free to express.

she was right. and she was naked. and she regressed. and she progressed in her nakedness. and she was wrong.

and it did not matter at-all.

no-story

the lounge. after the long, nice bath. skin moisturized. muscles relaxed. gogol bordello on repeat.

fingers crossed.

alcohol.

Yeah o yeah you seen me walk 
On burning bridges 

i wish people answered my emails faster. 

then i could write more

and play correspondence game

on a higher level.

and dance the dance of meanings lost and found

[what was the word again? english seems to like it very very much..]

ah

 "properly"

yes

dance the dance of meanings            properly                    without giving the time

the time

time

to clutch.

  

through the roof and underground.

Just like their meanings they lay between the lines
Between the borders their real countries hide

but words are hard
i get that
words are hard when you have something to say
and you don't know how to say it
not even if you want to say it so

bluntly.

hidden behind the screen.

screaming from 

behind.

or whispering.
or singing.
or just

shallowly breathing

words are hard.

tongues are easier to use for kissing.

words are easier when they come from gipsies.
life is easier when sung.