so so so

I believe in life
and its little spells
its little messes up too
which bring joy
and laughter
and sorrow

I believe that, one day
i will laugh as hard as I did
I will smile as wide as I tried
with someone by me side
someone with a smile, too.

well, I hope.

The hope grows
the life knows
while I wander.

a faerie one

She' s pregnant with love
In the springtime
She takes hints
and breaks the fences
around hearts.

she says:
"I' m no one's girl.
that's why I do what I do.
Break what I take.
Smile.
Go away.
And come back.

No longer fearful
She learned how to use
skills she was given
(D.I.U.?)
and play
praying to find the strenght

to forgive

to the ones who did not mean

what they said

to the ones who did mean

what they have done.

because

He knew me and I could talk to him
Like with no other

that's why i left.

post festum

i will remember you.

i will remember how you held my hand

and how your fingers entangled mine

how your hopes dived in future

& how the future screamed

i will remember how

images started to fade

i did everything i could to keep them standing

oups, i forgot- the roots.

i will remember the tide of knowledge

which washed on beach we left our footprints on
tsunami of experiences past

mermaids of enchanted today

I won't forget.

not out of hormones' urge

to remember excitement

not out of who i am

and life made me be

not out of rage which crossed the path

but because of shipwreck

i might become

and i didn't

because I choose

once upon a long lost time

to remember,

too.

love #2

the best subject, isn't it?

lost in the endless depth of intersex relations
sometimes I am too blind to recognize
all of those types of love
i am surrounded with

like, for example

the love of those who come to spend a few hours with you
before you fly
just to let you know
"forzza ragazza, to je samo leteci shleper"
or of those who laugh the night away with you
even if you swear in other language afterward
especially if you do.
or of ones who promise to chase you
all the way to bristol
if you do not come back to budapest
or just wait for you at belgrade train station
out of nowhere

it all happened in two days
it all happened in myriad of ways
it all happened for the sake of love
(and some hilariously good time
dirty talking in car
chain smoking next to fountains
or just walking
asking
wandering
up above the clouds)

or, even more magical
the love of those who claim the right
to call themselves your family
who cherish you despite your craziness
who are there for you even before
you know to recognize faces
or sounds
before you learn how to laugh or write or respect
people
friends
family
and love itself.

this bit is for me mum
and to you who let her know
this http
tsk tsk tsk
thank you love you guys

love

In England, you can drink French wines having universal talk.
In Bristol, I can feel sad for not getting a job but still look over a hill and realize how close I am to my goal- after which, let's be honest, I won't be still nor peaceful. I do not think I will ever be still or peaceful- but that's mine baggage to wear.
Interview today- no job. But yes a person! I met a good person, recently moved to Bristol too and I will see him when I get back. That counts, right? Riiight?
Well, it better count otherwise I would just feel pointless. Almost.
Anyway, drinking French vines having universal talk...
I think I am ready to write about love.

Love.
I love love.
I love the feeling, I love the inspiration I get from it, I love the thrills and chills and waking up with someone's name on me lips. I would also love if it could last longer than few months, as it usually does. I would love the most, to be perfectly frank, if that could evolve to intimacy. Intimacy, between two people (in my case) different sexes, intimacy which takes time to be built. Intimacy, I do not think I will go for ever again.
It just hurts too much.

Being a love kid, geographically handicapped, with everything which happened in between, I seriously doubt I am made for it. Which is a shame, really. Which is, I guess, just another kilo on the backpack.
I can carry it, for a couple of miles.
Couple of continents, at least.
Couple of stories, exchanged glances, mornings of confusion, emails of poetry. And minutes/hours of "will he write back?", "will he call?", "does he like me?" and "Iva, what do you say?" (Jovana, Comi... you get the point)
I never understood why would anyone like me.
I want that to be known.
For there is more of us.

And that's why this is all about. I do not want anyone else to feel like that.
Ever again.

....

Also, I did not get any of two jobs.
Which does not make me very cheerfull.

long story short

I need a job.

found a flat which i can move in.

got daffodil today from a nice person
who took me around the views of town
(thank you)

i need a job

i need a job

not feeling well, also

:P, stupid neurotransmitters!
you really know how to choose time when to flow around :P