the writing which writes you

read Jeannette Winterson.That's all I can say re- title. The page number is ...ummm.. you know what? Find it yourself. It is about the writing that writes you. You will know when you find it. Of course, you might end up reading the whole book.

I do hope you do. I finished it last night. and it was very...resonating. especially the last chapter.

you will know once you read it.


1.

I AM afraid

Fear

Fear is  the gas of my travels

I run away

I ran away

I stay.

I think I was about 5 when I lost home

maybe I searched for just that all this time?

I AM/WAS (mind the CAPS) different. I like & I live at the cross~roads.At all times. The heart asks pleasure first. I am Serbian, I am Croatian, I am Irish. I am Yugoslavian. Between embodied and dreamed/about stories. Between and after men who will protect me. Ahead of my shadow, protecting myself. Meself. Home is longing, 

Home is belonging.

I partially belong to oh so many places/states.

My first step takes place at the crossroads.

2.

[there is quite a lot of text at "2". but there is absolutely no way I would share it with a stranger. 

if you are a friend, ask me.

I will tell you.]

3.

If I write in Serbian

I am judged

and I am back to being

that little girl alone at the crossroads

with no where to run 

but inside.

4.

I do not like that fear. But it persists. It is weaved in the very core of me, like a golden thread/ barbed wire which connects it all/ keeps it all well apart. It pulsates in the daytime and wakes me up at night, through the hands of nightmarish men who are about to strangle me. 

Through the poisonous mushroom I eat in dream-cave and die. Just to wake up at 3 am, sweating.

Creeping over indigo skies of sandman's beaches. 

It waits.

It wakes.

...and it is always present.

5.

My English is limited. My Serbian/Croatian has bigger number of words. 

I need to write in English to keep myself safe. It gives me distance. To write about fear, longings, belongings and depths I need to see it from a few miles away. Being close to it is way too painful (and here is your answer, inquisitive woman from the unit). It is a root canal job being done with no anesthesia. Being done slowly. 

Writing in English is my painkiller. My morphium. My pill.

Hundreds of words for moment of no-pain.

That's the price for leaving the crossroads.

6.