so so so

I believe in life
and its little spells
its little messes up too
which bring joy
and laughter
and sorrow

I believe that, one day
i will laugh as hard as I did
I will smile as wide as I tried
with someone by me side
someone with a smile, too.

well, I hope.

The hope grows
the life knows
while I wander.

a faerie one

She' s pregnant with love
In the springtime
She takes hints
and breaks the fences
around hearts.

she says:
"I' m no one's girl.
that's why I do what I do.
Break what I take.
Smile.
Go away.
And come back.

No longer fearful
She learned how to use
skills she was given
(D.I.U.?)
and play
praying to find the strenght

to forgive

to the ones who did not mean

what they said

to the ones who did mean

what they have done.

because

He knew me and I could talk to him
Like with no other

that's why i left.

post festum

i will remember you.

i will remember how you held my hand

and how your fingers entangled mine

how your hopes dived in future

& how the future screamed

i will remember how

images started to fade

i did everything i could to keep them standing

oups, i forgot- the roots.

i will remember the tide of knowledge

which washed on beach we left our footprints on
tsunami of experiences past

mermaids of enchanted today

I won't forget.

not out of hormones' urge

to remember excitement

not out of who i am

and life made me be

not out of rage which crossed the path

but because of shipwreck

i might become

and i didn't

because I choose

once upon a long lost time

to remember,

too.

love #2

the best subject, isn't it?

lost in the endless depth of intersex relations
sometimes I am too blind to recognize
all of those types of love
i am surrounded with

like, for example

the love of those who come to spend a few hours with you
before you fly
just to let you know
"forzza ragazza, to je samo leteci shleper"
or of those who laugh the night away with you
even if you swear in other language afterward
especially if you do.
or of ones who promise to chase you
all the way to bristol
if you do not come back to budapest
or just wait for you at belgrade train station
out of nowhere

it all happened in two days
it all happened in myriad of ways
it all happened for the sake of love
(and some hilariously good time
dirty talking in car
chain smoking next to fountains
or just walking
asking
wandering
up above the clouds)

or, even more magical
the love of those who claim the right
to call themselves your family
who cherish you despite your craziness
who are there for you even before
you know to recognize faces
or sounds
before you learn how to laugh or write or respect
people
friends
family
and love itself.

this bit is for me mum
and to you who let her know
this http
tsk tsk tsk
thank you love you guys

love

In England, you can drink French wines having universal talk.
In Bristol, I can feel sad for not getting a job but still look over a hill and realize how close I am to my goal- after which, let's be honest, I won't be still nor peaceful. I do not think I will ever be still or peaceful- but that's mine baggage to wear.
Interview today- no job. But yes a person! I met a good person, recently moved to Bristol too and I will see him when I get back. That counts, right? Riiight?
Well, it better count otherwise I would just feel pointless. Almost.
Anyway, drinking French vines having universal talk...
I think I am ready to write about love.

Love.
I love love.
I love the feeling, I love the inspiration I get from it, I love the thrills and chills and waking up with someone's name on me lips. I would also love if it could last longer than few months, as it usually does. I would love the most, to be perfectly frank, if that could evolve to intimacy. Intimacy, between two people (in my case) different sexes, intimacy which takes time to be built. Intimacy, I do not think I will go for ever again.
It just hurts too much.

Being a love kid, geographically handicapped, with everything which happened in between, I seriously doubt I am made for it. Which is a shame, really. Which is, I guess, just another kilo on the backpack.
I can carry it, for a couple of miles.
Couple of continents, at least.
Couple of stories, exchanged glances, mornings of confusion, emails of poetry. And minutes/hours of "will he write back?", "will he call?", "does he like me?" and "Iva, what do you say?" (Jovana, Comi... you get the point)
I never understood why would anyone like me.
I want that to be known.
For there is more of us.

And that's why this is all about. I do not want anyone else to feel like that.
Ever again.

....

Also, I did not get any of two jobs.
Which does not make me very cheerfull.

long story short

I need a job.

found a flat which i can move in.

got daffodil today from a nice person
who took me around the views of town
(thank you)

i need a job

i need a job

not feeling well, also

:P, stupid neurotransmitters!
you really know how to choose time when to flow around :P

fatal

How good is he?

how warm are his eyes

you'll see it's not a reprise

did he arrive

too late and too tethered away

to put on his suit and his tie

once upon a time
in a land far far away
over the bridges
down in the tunnels
lost in the woods
& streets, massive buldings
the dream was born.

how good is he?

how warm is his heart

or ego telling him which place to park

did he relate, the message is clearly hardly

grounds for dismissal outright

grounds for dismissal outright

the more things happen
less words i have
today i spent the day
with english version of Sara
gosh! i have so many family members
there's so much yet to learn

so little to be afraid of
imagine...

i wake up and wait up

when anger's in fashion

this day helped me
to understand some things about me
which make me run and hide
which make me love and care
all in one and one in all
and which would probably make Qma smile
for he was right
which would also make Freud freak out
hehe..

i wake up and wait up

it echoes through the mansions

I never understood
why would anyone care for me
that is, until people started to care
in a ways far out of imagination
and although I always fell for not so good ones for me
i've learnt the bloody lesson:
you can't fight the roots
but you can make them strong
and wait for the blossoms

i wake up and wait up

when april's in may, oh uh oh

ever told you how much i like pathetics?
(that's not even a word in English, btw)
i follow my path
i can do whatever i want
(like the deer the dogs chase)
askjhsadkjhsadjhdvs

i wake up and wait up

the answers are fatal

the answers are fatal

and so can anyone else
no matter how deeply injected by excuses
no matter how strongly afraid of victories
no matter how many no matters
rush trough his/her head.

when i wait up and wake up

the answers are fatal

I'm no different from anyone else
Neither is he

is he truly out of sight

if he's truly out of mind

we are who we make ourselves be
there is us before
and us yet to come

sleep well,
me love

dare to dream the life away.
dare to follow it.

who they are

just a part:

http://www.myspace.com/bristoltroyka

left bank

We went there to listen to the Balkan sound

& met them

the ones who play the ones who play the ones who play around
Vlada and Jannet and Sophie and Miska and Duncan and more

couple of hours later -waltz in the kitchen of Redland
(Vlada- accrdion, Sophie- Flute, Miska- guitar. Duncan, too.)
somewhere just before the dawn

I spoke to ukranian version of Fli
just older and wiser and more relaxed
he told me my accord is minor E
and thought me how to play it

then i spoke my poems
and he played along

2 hours of sleep
almost fainted near Hortfield sports centre
got back home
dreamt about the night

.......

a few hours before
Beccy drove me by garage where my father parks
his car.

i know where he lives.

sorry english ones

ispostavilo se da je covek koji je prema meni bio zaista divan
neko o kome ljudi...pa...bas i nemaju puno toga dobrog da kazu
( da ne kazem nista, a kako mi jeste bilo receno)

ispostavilo se da je druga osoba koju sam upoznala ovde
jako dobar prijatelj nekoga ko je s njim svasta prosao
i kome se, kako stvari stoje, ne bas vratilo
ono sto je dao.

eto ti ga sad.

menjaju li se ljudi ili jok?

verovati ili ne?

(mislim da je veooomaaa ocigledno sta cu ja odgovoriti
prijatelji, ne uzmite mi za zlo ;) )

the broken ones

we love them
we love to think
we will fix them
make them 'appy
no matter the cost.

reality, though, encounter our hopes
and not in a good way

the men
who are bad to us
are bad to us
and that's it

we can try to grasp it
travel a zillion miles
to comprehend it
but- in the end
they do choose their ways
same way we do ours

and they are the ones
to feel sorry for
at the end of the day

we are the ones
who chose to love them
and only because our little flaws
(simple as that)

i know, i guess
i shared me with many
and there were only two
whose shoulders I chose
to cry upon

one, a good one
who turned out to be bad
the other, a bad one
who just turned in.

for me brother fellow traveler

your birthday was more fun
when you proposed to marry me
due to anchor
and balloons

fly here if you dare

'appy Bday!

echo

today i spoke to ellie
of many stories
and many experiences

started to feel like home
somewhere between st nicholas market
and bristol social care agency
(joe, you have no idea who you're missing)

seagulls and pigeons, along with swans
took care of our ears when we decided
that england is a place to be
and Now the time.

(despite the weather
despite the articles
despite the men)

that's good.

for I cried just an hour before.
due to a person
who i do not comprehend
but it's a culture thing, right?

right.
...

tonight, I almost went
to the place my father lives
but as there is still no job
no place to officially live

i wait.

synthesis

as i will never ever manage to lead this blog
the way i want to
i decided just to put random thoughts on it
(excuse. excuse. excuse.)
:P

today we went to see comedy gig
on the other side of town
and we laughed.

i have muscle ache for i spend the days walking up and down
hills and stairs
chatting with people and handling out CVs and letters
good luck might be coming
I will pray to that

tonight the sadness got to me also
sneaked in when i wasn't looking
So I found me walking and wandering
why the f*** am I here
what the f*** am I doing
how I will be dissapointed
how everything is bound to change
and so on

but it is the way it's supposed to be- the storms of endorphin waves
in the land of many weathers

which i understand not.
which seems to be different universe
so I guess it's time to take me tail and extra limbs out of the box
and be alien as well.

still- the fact that the bus driver says hello every time he sees me
(after the vocabulary of serbian GSP beasts)
cheers me up in the morning better than coffee.

...