sticks and stones

"Sticks and stones, love

I've saved your life

You saved mine."

now would be a good time

not to turn back

yes

now would be a good time

spoke to a friend today

in a "Landsdown", local pub.

eating fajitas and chilli con carne

he said: what's up?

i said: well. where to start?

his hands were in wounds

did some heavy lifting

as he does

Well. I said- I don't know where to start

it has been quite a month

it has been quite a trip

trough the land of unknown

and a couple of alternative worlds

but now there is no turning back

no turning back now.

he waved for the waitress

who liked my necklace on the way in

he ordered another round

and urged me to continue.

and

no matter how hard i tried

i could utter no words

no words no words no words

but

"he is my shelter

he is my bomb"

a friend laughed.

sasvim obican dan

Svega mi

nisam planirala da se desi

svega mi

bas nista.

ni razgovor na dva cm jedno od drugoga

dok obrazi uzmicu pred usnama

za poljubac

ni duboke poglede

nista

svega mi

bas nista nisam planirala

da se desi.

what to expect when you go chasing your dreams

first of all, the white rabbit

they come in all shapes and forms

they jump and they walk and they run

and they talk

they also let you talk

and shut up when you feel like it

second, nothing will be the way you want it to be

and you will end up disappointed

the tears will flow

the hugs won't help

the days will roll past you

while you grieve

so you might as well do it.

i met people who hadn't

not a nice sight.

what happens after?

the big bad Unknown

with claws and fangs and acid breath

which will turn you into a clown

because it is much easier

to smile

and be user friendly

than to taste the poison

and survive.

and after?

well. just another level

and another layer of leather

to be scratched

***

Back to the white rabbit:

he comes back

to help

when the need real need

comes

his hugs do help

but they are not free

bastards.

suburbs do a pretty good job of taking care of themselves

I am a free woman

oh what a feeling

what a beautiful tingling wing-spreading kiss of life.

A free woman

of almost 29 summers.

Seen as a selfish bitch

the one who will never be happy

the one who will never be loved by anyone

[die alone; in despair;

surrounded by cats,

and all that jazz]

Well- told she was.

Just before I stood for the same1

with my own two feet

two hands

two lobes.

A heart. 

For loving the ones who understand.

For loving the ones of wicked games

Of night-poetries, of star-shaping

Of passion.

How do you mean, climb up that hill?

Don't you see its steep, and there is no stairs?

How do you mean, don't?

How do you mean,

compromise what you are

For the silver cutlery

And the safe little house in suburbs

[with a Latin gardener on the side

and the vanished dreams which eat you 

piece by piece

till only the empty shell remains]

How do you mean, sell them?

How do you mean, "how much"?

A free woman

of almost 29 summers

Does not bargain

her passion

does not bargain

her mission

You won't find my dream on ebay.

And the cats? 

Well, the cats

Come in all shapes and forms.

Don't get me wrong: 

I am scared and terrified of future

But

on the other hand

I always was.

;)

and..

Well

I haven't been doing this

For a year now.

No that does not mean I haven't been writing {duuh}

As long as there are Don't Panic posters

There will be me

Scribbling letters on them

Exchanging the worlds for kind words

Or a smile from a handsome stranger

{a friend in the scope of

/give or take/

5.2 days

It always happens}

It's always a miracle.

 

Well…

What has been happening?

I am still Bristol-based,

lovely house

amazing friends

just about the right amount of self pity

 passion for demolition of cubic values

lost. found. Lost again.

Someone's searching as we speak

So shhhh

Let's not make it too easy for them.

And spoil the fun, ok?

Thanx.

 

Well?

Been trying to live properly

Even have an office job

And all that jazz

It does not really work for me.

So am starting a PhD next year

The subject:

"It's about the Journey:

Life stories of uniparental people"

{uniparental: the one who grew up

Without one parent

Like yours truly}

A bit of life histories

A pinch of autoetnography

Absolutely excited

Absolutely scared

But absolutely have to do it

And see what happens

What I find

What we learn..

 

 

 

--
"I've felt old before my time but now I keep the age away,
By burning up the miles and yeah by filling up my days,
And the nights, a thousand nights I've played, a thousand more to go
Before I take a breath and steal myself for the next one thousand shows"