intro:
i have six sisters. between seven of us, we have three mothers and two fathers. the youngest and me share the mother, five others and me share a father, two of them have one mother, three another. geographically, we live in four places. one at place1, the other at place2, two at place3 and three at place4.
two of us spent most of our lives at Balkans, the rest are Western.
this is not a "guess who lives where and who share which parent" riddle. i don't give out too many details because i do care about privacy. and ethics.
this is an immediate family situation.
i spent most of my life searching for my family members and voila! unimaginable ("if they wanted to find you they would do so so far"- a very sarcastic friend whom i send two fingers at this occasion) happened! i know all of my sisters [whom i knew about- mind you, my father seems to like making children around the world].
two of them i met ten years ago. for the first time i saw someone who looks like me. despite the fact we talked in different languages and were products of different cultures, it meant a lot to me. we consequently lost touch, than been in touch for a while, then lost touch again and now one of them is back in the game with the other soon to follow (we are to meet in new year, or so she suggested).
three of them i met two years ago. for the first time, i found the living and breathing proof that stuff can work out for [yes yes i know its half of] my genetic make-up. they grew up without our father as well, and ..well.. they are three extraordinary women who welcomed me with their arms and hearts open in their homes and lives. we are still in touch and i have an open invite to visit them whenever i want. i saw them once since, but kept in touch and the last christmas i sent four "happy christmas, sister" cards. for the first time in my life, again.
happy end, right?
riiiiight...
end of intro
where do we go from there?
how do you incorporate twenty new members in the immediate family (this is where husbands and children come in)... especially if those are the ones you are supposed to know all about, love and hate, and had deep relationship with.. like i have with the youngest, who did grew up with me?
for you don't think of calling them when you have a problem (despite the fact you think they might actually help, even better than your usual support group for they do have much more experience in the matter).. as you are not sure it would be appropriate ("hey, she just met us and is calling us to help")- but then culture and beliefs kick in and tell you there is no one more appropriate to call than family, right?
riiight.
try googling it.
right.not even wikipedia has something on it.
and i really really like my sisters. i also do not want to disturb them. and being who i am, i do like to know what is a right thing to do. except that in this situation i am the one who has a chance to actually institutionalize the "right thing to do"[by doing the doctorate on a subject]. I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THAT!!! there. a wee bit of anger out. does miracles to the well being.
we did not share culture. i've been through one war more, for a start. and one set of sanctions. they beat me up in the matter of childbirth [i can't wait to be mother, but i am not one yet]. we are
so
different.
we did not grew up in the same place, do not think in the same language, not the same songs are embodied in our growing up oh and yes... we did not share the presence of out parents. so basically, we are strangers who coincidentally met.
but then i look at their faces. and realize i think that their children are so much more adorable than all the children in the world. and am happy when i see them smiling. the times spent with them are... special and unique and above all different than times with everyone else.
i have friends from all sides of world and from all the walks of life. just to make a point clearer.
i have six sisters.
i knew about them all of my life, and only recently i added true life experience to it. i still have no words to explain how that feels- and how much that means to me. despite the fact i do not know what is a right thing to do. despite the fact i might never find out.
i respect their privacy, but one thing i can tell you: my sisters are fucking amazing.
all of them. one is the best hugger in the world, one did thing she was most afraid in order to raise money for charity in her moment of need, one rose from the ashes to make it a zillion times better for herself, one welcomed a total stranger claiming to be her sister in her family home with two toddlers, one shared the intimate story about life changing experience with me and one picked up a phone on christmas day to tell me i should come over.
and that's why is important for me to do the right thing. unfortunately, raised as an only child for the first 15 years of my life, i have hard time in the role of a sibling.
but i write a blog.
and i will keep this posted.
i have six sisters. between seven of us, we have three mothers and two fathers. the youngest and me share the mother, five others and me share a father, two of them have one mother, three another. geographically, we live in four places. one at place1, the other at place2, two at place3 and three at place4.
two of us spent most of our lives at Balkans, the rest are Western.
this is not a "guess who lives where and who share which parent" riddle. i don't give out too many details because i do care about privacy. and ethics.
this is an immediate family situation.
i spent most of my life searching for my family members and voila! unimaginable ("if they wanted to find you they would do so so far"- a very sarcastic friend whom i send two fingers at this occasion) happened! i know all of my sisters [whom i knew about- mind you, my father seems to like making children around the world].
two of them i met ten years ago. for the first time i saw someone who looks like me. despite the fact we talked in different languages and were products of different cultures, it meant a lot to me. we consequently lost touch, than been in touch for a while, then lost touch again and now one of them is back in the game with the other soon to follow (we are to meet in new year, or so she suggested).
three of them i met two years ago. for the first time, i found the living and breathing proof that stuff can work out for [yes yes i know its half of] my genetic make-up. they grew up without our father as well, and ..well.. they are three extraordinary women who welcomed me with their arms and hearts open in their homes and lives. we are still in touch and i have an open invite to visit them whenever i want. i saw them once since, but kept in touch and the last christmas i sent four "happy christmas, sister" cards. for the first time in my life, again.
happy end, right?
riiiiight...
end of intro
where do we go from there?
how do you incorporate twenty new members in the immediate family (this is where husbands and children come in)... especially if those are the ones you are supposed to know all about, love and hate, and had deep relationship with.. like i have with the youngest, who did grew up with me?
for you don't think of calling them when you have a problem (despite the fact you think they might actually help, even better than your usual support group for they do have much more experience in the matter).. as you are not sure it would be appropriate ("hey, she just met us and is calling us to help")- but then culture and beliefs kick in and tell you there is no one more appropriate to call than family, right?
riiight.
try googling it.
right.not even wikipedia has something on it.
and i really really like my sisters. i also do not want to disturb them. and being who i am, i do like to know what is a right thing to do. except that in this situation i am the one who has a chance to actually institutionalize the "right thing to do"[by doing the doctorate on a subject]. I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THAT!!! there. a wee bit of anger out. does miracles to the well being.
we did not share culture. i've been through one war more, for a start. and one set of sanctions. they beat me up in the matter of childbirth [i can't wait to be mother, but i am not one yet]. we are
so
different.
we did not grew up in the same place, do not think in the same language, not the same songs are embodied in our growing up oh and yes... we did not share the presence of out parents. so basically, we are strangers who coincidentally met.
but then i look at their faces. and realize i think that their children are so much more adorable than all the children in the world. and am happy when i see them smiling. the times spent with them are... special and unique and above all different than times with everyone else.
i have friends from all sides of world and from all the walks of life. just to make a point clearer.
i have six sisters.
i knew about them all of my life, and only recently i added true life experience to it. i still have no words to explain how that feels- and how much that means to me. despite the fact i do not know what is a right thing to do. despite the fact i might never find out.
i respect their privacy, but one thing i can tell you: my sisters are fucking amazing.
all of them. one is the best hugger in the world, one did thing she was most afraid in order to raise money for charity in her moment of need, one rose from the ashes to make it a zillion times better for herself, one welcomed a total stranger claiming to be her sister in her family home with two toddlers, one shared the intimate story about life changing experience with me and one picked up a phone on christmas day to tell me i should come over.
and that's why is important for me to do the right thing. unfortunately, raised as an only child for the first 15 years of my life, i have hard time in the role of a sibling.
but i write a blog.
and i will keep this posted.
Krv nije voda. (Blood is not water)
ReplyDeleteDoctrate or not, there is no "right thing to do" in a matter of heart. If you feel like being in touch with them, creating a relationship of a certain level and magnitude it is up to you to initiate it and see the reaction from each one of them. You might be bundling them in "I have six sisters" group, but I would expect that you will have more of an "I have a sister" x6 situation. Simply put, you have six different potential relationships to build. You did the hard part, you have initiated it and connection exists. Where it will go from here, it is up to you and them, them and you.
There is no harm poking and prodding them gently in order to see the reaction and the amount of return effort they will put in your future family relations.
There is also no harm in sharing what is going on with you and what is troubling you with them because, to be honest, there is no better conversation/relationship material than real life truth. I would be more worried if I had to fabricate topics just to artificially stay in touch. As long as you see them as people with whom you are willing to share your life, you will see how much they are eager to be part of it and reciprocally share theirs with you.
I see from the post that some of them already crossed the "what now?" threshold and actually picked up a phone and called you - now there is something to be happy about ! :)
To summarize my thoughts, just relax, be the crazy person you are and don't think too much about it - just behave as you feel you want and need and watch for their reactions - that will give you all the answers you are looking for.
p.s.
As a personal note, I am in Belgrade and I'm getting ready to go and visit my barely known half-sisters who got children of their own while I was gone. We only got to know each other on the funerals of our family members, but life is to short to spend it on thinking "what is the right thing to do?"
Blood is not water, so I'm going to visit my blood and my new little bloods and kiss and hug and smile, like Jeja does.
:)